Manifestations in Thought - Flowing Perceptions

The following are extracts from some ponderings
related to the theme of internal awareness -

Contemporary man reduced himself
to be particle
forgot
that he is also wave
trapped in his matter
not capable of oscillating
he created his world
out of heavy,
tightly bonded
particles
is himself
tightly bonded
yielding
to gravity
he puts particles
in the air
into the waters
heavy particles
He uses waves
he creates waves
envelops himself with so many
self-made waves
radio waves
sound waves
heat waves
light waves, shadow waves
wave-emanating particles
that he forgets,
that he himself consists of
waves- insensitive to
beings which are more wave
than particle
the dream-body is likely
to be one of the few
wave bodies, which the human being
is still aware of.
Vibration is limited
in our world
beings which oscillate
are limited, feel limited in
in our world
We are all
beings who oscillate
feel limited
in our world
Since Newton
it has been determined
that we are particles,
are we identifying ourselves
with our particles
Einstein has helped us
to remember
that we are also wave
Now it is up to us
to remember
what we are


9.12.90
OM - sound - music
the sphere of waves -
vibrations
which the human being
has always been familiar with -
The universe most clearly
reveals its laws
of harmony through sound,
through sound the human being
realised the existence
of an all-pervading order

In rhythm
melody
chord - word
sound
in the abdomen
in the heart
in the mind
in the soul
he/she sensed
the vibration
was a resonating body
was him-herself vibration
wave -
Did he/she lose unity
of belly
heart
mind
soul
so he lost unity
of rhythm
melody
chord - word - sound
and succumbed to one of his/her partial aspects -
impulse, feeling and reason
fell into strife with each other
fell into disharmony
so s/he fell into discord
with his/her environment, into discord
with the all-harmonising
waves-sounds-vibrations
could not sense them anymore -
nor could he sense
his own vibration,
so did s/he forget
his/her being vibration,
being wave.


31.12.91
In the morning -
The dance around our own axis, our centre, centre of gravity, overcomes the attraction of the earth, creates a force-field which is independent, centred within itself.
Maybe this principle could levitate matter, via a circling motion around the centre of gravity.
As our connection with the earth is fundamental for our development, with the body as a vehicle, our evolution could never entail a struggle with, but only an integration of, these principles and forces... Naturally this is only possible in unison, only in unison with creation should we deem ourselves responsible enough to create that which would release the principles of duality, out of itself- out of ourselves.
The dance of the Dervishes, the circling... comes close to this -
born out of devotion, the search for unity- in atonement with all...
While dancing, the connection with the earth and the devotion to the earth's forces creates an awareness of an ascending motion, one raises oneself to a level of energy similar to the planet's, becomes oneself a mature planet - ... hard to imagine...
The general conception of gravity is that it emanates from the planet's centre. But maybe matter contains an inert, attaching principle within itself, which turns the earth's attraction into gravity. By releasing this principle via devotion or unification, the earth's force is no longer attractive but levitative -
as if a negative particle which is attracted by a large positive particle is suddenly released or even repelled when it releases its negative charge or adopts a positive charge.
These forces could not really rely on the physical dualisms... but rather...
harmonies and disharmonies of rhythms ?


sometime in 1991
The river
its flow follows the laws of the earth -
to the sea, flows as a gathered force,
unified by the law of gravitation,
to the sea -
and what flows upward ?
Released by the power of the sun
warmth -
flows upward -
carries the more subtle matter -
upward and downward
descending and ascending
in continuous change
likewise in the human being
warmth is independent vibration
activated by external vibration
On the earth it is the sun
and in the human being -
what kind of vibration
is active in the human being
desire and creativity
anger and insight
where does it originate
the ascending energy
in which tension field does it exist ?

Om




Sometime in 1995
The tension in a leaf -
such beauty
love between earth and heaven

Why is it so hard for us to feel the same -
the mad rush
seeking satisfaction and fleeing pain
chasing illusions
not necessary -
listen. . ..


Cardiff April 1996

The sea is the sea
Is the sea
Where are we - where are we -
Little cells for man to hide
Where is she - where is she... on the rocks we have built
We have lost we have died
And the sun is the heart which is far...
The sun above the sea below; the heart above...
But no blood flowing Blood has died...
Crystal cells no room to move - may we live
for her to be...
No wave to carry our splendour
it is dark and heavy with tears
kept from flowing....
For her to be
may we flow again.


May 3rd 1997
Focus, balance, alignment
coherence -
are very essential -
when experienced kinesthetically

17th May
On waking up -
the restless mind speaks
speaks of form .. . .
and forming - the embracing motion,
penetrating the flatness - one is excited
to interact with the world fluidly -
while imagery as a sign loses its power(importance),
its flatness being boring -
the space that opens behind it, around it,
is no less daring - challenges you
demands clarity, alignment, listening
to the different clues -
non-verbal perception -
is it a language



July 13th
Between silence and sound -
attention demands energy
to navigate freely ...
there is no space in
a burdened mind

26th July
Thought is so ephemeral -
yet we get so attached
to ideas ...
Was thinking about energy this morning ...
energy in the body . . .
the need for ecstasy -
to nourish the cells . . .
they want to vibrate . . .
it's not just a replacement for sex - is it .. . . ?
or of a vain temporal origin . . .
maintaining a false momentum
of becoming .. . . .
time-bound being -
ecstasy is of mind-body-spirit . . . has to be whole . .. ....
there is no playing around with these profound energies ...
that's what alchemy is all about . .. ...
clarity is vital ... complete devotion to the source ...
if these energies get fed into deformed
time-bound ego structures ... they are likely to cause problems ...
the vessel is so important
hard to speak about these things . . . they are not
of the mind
. . . thus real healing is needed . . ..
ecstasy is a healing process . . . it purifies . . .
destroys that which is not clear . . .
or distorts into violence and superstition if the vessel is not . ..
free . .. .
On ne peut pas parler de ce
qui est au-dela . ..
but what can guide me when I am confronted
with these existential energies ?
I can't retreat into the defensive, protective mechanisms . ..
though I feel I need to comfort myself ...
to overcome the fear of void . . .
of being al- one ...
breathing in and out . . .
discipline of silence
and Yoga
clarity and attention
should be the basic tools . . .

27th July
The process is never an idea;
schools which try to transmit ideas
rather than processes fail . . .
what about the transmission of knowledge -
the great classical ideal ... that the world
shall be known by the mind -
has failed . .. ...
Change and beauty
arise through action
not words
Love is a whole process


August 16th
Life is not about words
but movement . .. ..
how do we close the gap
between fear and being . . .
Mother - Father -
O source of creation . . . .
a flowering of action
to heal our wounds
what it implies is powerful . .. ..
and carries us into the unknown . . .
may we listen
to the burbling of the
stream - the pull of flow
towards the source
it will carry us
And now . . .. in the presence . ...
in duality of thought and being
it is here . .. ...


17th August
Hard-making and soft-making
using pressure or being patient . . .
more forces at work than just two . ..
drying and moistening
compression or giving space
tension and gravity . . .
spin and acceleration -
who truly understands these workings -
this web of relationships ...
in ourselves -
in the world -
heat melting the metal
heat hardening the clay
heat hardening the penis
heat moistening the vagina
heat causing motion
heat causing friction
spin causing motion -
water permitting motion -
vibration in different mediums
tension - compression -
desire . . .
we are definitely lacking flow in our man-made
world . . .

Have I taken 27 years
to remember - to learn -
and now I wonder about death and the shortness of life -
immediacy of sharing the life which is seeking
expression through me . . .
Can I give it space now ?
Do I have to worry
about time ?
Precious human life . . .
mother . . . father . . .
I thank you . . .


Space is here . . .
Sharing is here . . .
in the presence
The immediacy of action
will come . . . .

later...
On eating a melon -
Fruits - being the outcome of a sexual process -
are still well within the ecstatic process . . .
giving pleasure to an animal - to be carried,
opened to find fertile ground
away from its origin !
Where does the sexual-ecstatic process end -
how do we define those for ourselves ?
If we can talk about need-displacement, sublimation -
shouldn't those other activities be as ecstatic?
How does frustration enter the game ?
Can we be truly aware of our inner workings ?
not to let escape the pain
of failure, loss, transitoriness
into the hidden recesses of the brain . . .
but to encounter them fully - encounter
the illusion of self fully -
and reintegrate the stagnated desire back into the flow . . .
which is wider - and of far more powerful
and ecstatic spin than our petty hopes for
self-pleasure fulfillment . . .
healing is needed. . .

a couple of days later. . .

Reading Dan Winter -
'Attention'...
'Movement' brings human back into touch with his or her being...
weaving around the possibilities of the ego field - embracing
the life field - playing with the tension between the two -
with intention and released being . . .
being in touch . . .touching wounds - healing wounds - embracing the threads which have become lost, entangled ..
reintegrating them into the flow . . .

24th August
Doing Yoga in the morning -
I wondered about the beauty of embracing your own muscles . . .
such a natural way of being in touch with yourself
so necessary to release false tension and to harmonise
being & body & mind . . .
in ecstatic process . . .
but we have mostly forgotten and depend
on the hormonal jolts of sexuality
to have that pleasure . . .
not sensitive enough
to feel the more subtle currents of our being . . .

Thinking of the body as intentional field
senses as tools of contact


28. August
The mind is a strange thing. .. ...
any stranger must wonder
at how we humans manage to cope
with all the ideas ... these projections (into virtual space)
into imaginary time and space . . ..
quite remarkable ?
could there be any other way . . .
of how consciousness
handles its continuity/ discontinuity dilemma . . .
its power/ powerlessness paradox .. ... .
its separatedness, its illusion of self ?

Do we know of any intelligence...
a movement of mind which is not the outcome of
time-bound isolated self ?
Children ?
A few wise people ? rare moments ?


31.August -> 1st of September
Ideas seem so vain . . .
trying to communicate . . . what is essential . . .
if we would truly listen we would sound...soon realise
the difference. . .
where is the light that shines throughout our common threads. . .
a shared language of beauty . . .
a sound of deep understanding -
but before. . . we still might have to understand
conflict and division . . . to realise what is essential
and what is false . . .
Can I listen ?
Am I really there in a conversation or
have I got an idea on my mind which destroys
the encounter . . .
But what is the energy which carries us . . . if it is not our self-interest, the movement of the ego-center ?
It is something shared . . .
not something I have
can we feel it that way . . .
it should be about joy . . . . .
but maybe first the ending of the false. . .


7th September
In the morning -
the shoulders tense ...
the breath shallow
reveals dissatisfaction. . ..
yet the mind can live in its own world of thought
Why so ?
When are we whole ?
Who taught us to divide into body/mind/soul. .. .
the need of survival
in a strange evolution
from animal - through culture. . .
to freedom . . ..

1st October
The beauty of a sunrise -
the beauty of a flower unfolding
the mind trying to capture
in time
what is so fragile and alive
part of nature's ecstatic process . . .
or how shall I describe . . . the power of life . . .
yet we suffer from the vanity of goal-oriented action
I do. . .
incapable of accepting the flux . . .
where is the root of dissatisfaction, the conflict
of chasing
after pleasure . . . not having it ?
despite the sunrise and the flower. . .
how funny. . . . the idea of having rather than being . . .
yet... if my current sun is the beauty of a girl
. . . or many . . . the beauty of sexuality . ..
where is the passion which is as unconditional
as the flower opening to it ...
active and passive
in spring or in autumn
can my desire, my passion be without time ...
with out an imaginary goal . . .
awakening to the beauty of being as process . . .
rather than goal, achievement . . .
active process . . . a dance

focus
and alignment

18th of November
becoming aware of our feelings, our behaviour
as orbit, as limit cycle - we can search for its sources - one
or plural suns, like sexual desire and pain, or fear, or social
constraint, inhibition, illusion, ideal. . ..
the path we trace speaks loud enough if we can listen -
despite the pain of insecurity, loss, failure
clarity. .. .in a loving embrace of our selves
peace in us
peace on earth


26th of November
Flow is so transient . . .
it is good to crystallise a focus out of it .. .
an inner alignment ...
axis of spin -
straight, yet mutable . . .


7th of December
Letting go of the conflict
between
knowledge and being -
still I have to practice
the right focus
and resolve conflict at its origin . . .
I am not separated .. .
from the whole -
which also means -
not to ignore the other parts of being ...
in the world
focus


27th of December
Should I write a book to communicate -
about movement in our lives
joy of life of love
of dance of freedom
motion of shaping -
the beauty of life of
purpose
agitation of a frightened
and confused mind
the mechanisation of human motion,
the violence of speed and unnatural rhythm . . .
the pain of refusal - trapped
energy, awaiting a chance to erupt
So many levels -
but simple forces at work within and without
Is it a strong, unnatural abstraction to pull back
from social language -
which describes all the above terms of social interactions
which are not understood
at the root of being -
but merely their outer expression of more or less
superficial needs . . .
What are we beyond language ?
What do we do beyond language ?
Work to earn money to have a shelter and
food and support our offspring ?
rationally justifiable actions . .. ...
language and world are interwoven -
to the extent where they are inseparable . . .What
are we
beyond language ?
Organisms striving for joy for sex for food . . .
aggressive minds seeking to manipulate and exploit ...
where is the threshold between the two ?
Is there one ?
Why do I want to separate
between language and being ?
Because so much of being human is not understood . . .
emotion is emotion
music is music
aggression is aggression
illness is illness
why probe any deeper ?
Why invent spiritual languages of subtle energies and archetypal forces ?
Do you see how many levels of communication
we have ?
While so many pretend to be rational and scientific -
while half the world believes in spiritual forces of
most diverse kinds - while a large number
tries to find new ways of describing relationships
between life and being human
Where is the common level of understanding ?
And where is our inner unity of mind and body,
plus heart and soul, if you want ?
the vanity of words ... ... ....


28th of December
The mind invents stories to locate desire in space and time -
dreaming of a girl
Fear also finds its manifestations
in most bizarre imaginations -
yet it is so pervasive
beyond all imagination


The ocean has it's language . . .
the beauty is that everybody interprets it differently . . .
the same applies to all life -
how varied can be our understanding - despite
the claims of rational science
Nothing wrong with that -
only if it denies 'the other'
a wave is a wave - yet we shape it into word and meaning
as sound ... it changes;
the channels in our minds as transistors
how complex yet how simple laws
of action and reaction
between being and non-being -
attachment and refusal out of insecurity ;
otherwise a dance of opening and closing
the beauty
of flow accepted

where is meaning and clarity in that


10th of January '98
This morning I wanted to write about frustration -
how it sits in every muscle and how it wants to be released
-
What prevents it ?
Fear of even greater pain ?
Or complacency ?
How does it feel ?
When you enter the muscle to release it ?
I have a sensation of a strong release, like a jolt rushing through
it, with the muscle seeking the excitement of embrace - not just human,but the embrace of energy which can also come in other ways of ecstasy . .. .
of being open to the flow . . .
that rotating embracing motion
Why do I write this ?
Am I really frustrated, or is every little bit of wrong tension unbearable -
because I don't want to store it away . . .



2nd of March
Between rigidity and fluidity we steer our course . . .
how blind, how unaware of hidden conflicts and the shards of shattered hopes . . . life trying to crystallise... torn apart by violence of fear
Have we ever experienced
the sound of space . . .
arising out of a bud opening to the early morning sun,
still covered in dew, trembling with the love of life so precious in the now - and decay will come,
no less beautiful yet a bit more sad, a different melody
are we aware of the gentle rhythms of turning planets,
our own rhythms of opening and closing ?
What else do we have ?
Why did we chose to refuse, to suffer ?
on our journey . . . through life .. . and death .. . not understood,
so fear builds its false erections in the face of the unknown
stumbling blindly, deafly, self-hurt, hurting others, waging war . . .
against the unknown which is life -
sound is simple . . .helps us heal, and to reveal our hidden nature -
guiding us beyond the limits of thought and word-dependent fear -

sound is rhythm is action is life . . .
(not an idea stuck in the mind - )
life is rhythm is sound can be felt and heard -
but how far have we gone
on the road of mind-enclosed being -
living in a world of ideas and social signals -
constructions of a mind winding round in its own tight circles(circuits) of ego-satisfaction
but at what cost . . .
hear . . . . .

4th of May '98
If someone would ask me - -do I live for my sculptures
No - I live for the beauty of flowers,
they hold the secret
of solar spaces materialised -
So are we, and my sculptures are one attempt to render such -
not only the beauty but also the conflict of our
triple nature ---
There is no ignorance - if we would truly be with the flower
its transience would soon disrupt
that false momentum of our fearful egos -

We are the meeting point of forces so little understood -
in the conflict of our mind -
Such meeting is so fragile and thought tends to take over to control
what it cannot grasp alone.
The outcome, as most of our culture, reveals so many inner tensions, and we lack the patience to go deeper to resolve ...
the trapped and distorted tunes
of a being on its journey
from animal
through culture
to pure sound - . -- . . . . .

Summer '98
Plants have their sun (and their sexuality - )
have we got ours -
do we know what we truly strive for -
besides reproduction ?
Which force field do we live in - between fear, desire
and freedom
If energy itself would not be intelligent -
we would be completely lost -
the sun has its place
in our lives
- such beauty
and such power -
but what else do we grant dominance . . .
do we truly feel our fields
of action and reaction ?
how could we -
practice understanding - and yes -
the ending of time
Last night in my dream I came close to the empty space -
I perceived it as hyperbolic -
and I was afraid - so I woke up -
Afraid of falling into the unknown -
the problem of what guides us
when we go so far is real . . .


20th of August '98
Doing Yoga in the morning -
I realise again . . .
what muscle tension can reveal . . .
it tells of past emotional states -
muscles carry memory of pain, of fear, of frustration -
of joy, of desire . . .
not just the brain . . .
now . . .
going into the layers -
releasing superficial layers
lays bare the wounded past
and makes healing possible -
yes, embracing the muscle - feeding it with energy, attention
and breaking through the barrier of fear, of
time-bound being . . .
what is there ?
empty space . . . listen . . . to the muscle . . .
yes it hurts,
but then . . .
opening beyond fear;
does this fear, and the opening have an orientation in space ?
inward outward ?
equaling contraction - expansion ?
All the physics I am talking about reside in the body -
if we could only listen . . . .

August '98
Sound is. . ..
beyond . . .
yet so physical
when we vibrate. . ..
If there was a deeper sound
which could unite
the wavelets
how beautiful the web of life

16th of September
Have I forgotten about the Geometry of Centeredness -
something which had been so important to me -
as a visual expression - in metal. . .;
also as a tactile expression

21st of September
Doing Yoga in the morning
Do we know our intentional field ?
It could help us understand - conflict between mind and body;
Has the body a field rather different from mind-bred
drives ? Or vice versa ?
We are one entity - and we should live that fact - and give space to expressions of timeless being . . .
it is part of us - wherever it resides -
though I felt that most fear is located in the mind
and the body would open quite readily -
to open space . . . . .





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